It’s Christmas Eve! Thanks to family dynamics, my nuclear unit has already had two Christmases. I have gained twenty pounds in the last three days thanks to at least a case and a half of beer, probably a fifth of various whiskeys, two pounds of beef, who knows how much potato product, a half a pie, and at least a whole family-sized bag of homemade Chex mix. I feel like garbage, and I have two more Christmases to go. #Pray4Taylorspants

One interesting casualty of these first two yuletides is my boys’ attention spans. They got an XBox. I never really had a gaming system growing up, mainly because my mom was convinced it would basically turn me into an invalid overnight. Turns out, it’s more of a zombie-style transformation that occurs. The only thing on my kids’ minds is XBox. We made the mistake of opening the damn thing as soon as they got it and trying to use it at their grandparents’ house. It was a mistake because I’m pretty sure my inlaws’ internet is delivered via carrier pigeon. If you want to use any modern internet-ready device made by Microsoft, you better be ready to download an entire server’s worth of updates before you can even turn the damn thing on. So, after about ten hours and lots of tears, they finally got to play FIFA for about fifteen minutes before it was time to go home. Removing them from the controllers took Tyrone Biggums crack-strength, then more tears and complaining about why the drive home, which they’ve made a zillion times, was so long.

The came this morning at like, 6:30.

[EIGHT YEAR OLD WHO SUCKS AT WHISPERING]: DAAAAHHHHDDD, CAN I PLAY XBOX

[WIFE]: I’m gonna kill him.

[ME]: mmmmphhmm hashbrown casserole why so much brandynnnnggggnnn

My kid is going to be an excellent prosecutor if he decides to do that as a career path because he is effing relentless with his inquisition about when he can play XBox. Stick him in an interrogation room with any criminal and they’ll give up in less than ten minutes, just to get out of the room.

Anyway, Merry Christmas! HAVE SOME DELICIOUS UNITED SOCCER LINKS: