I don’t know who that guy in the header image is, but it’s a good photoshop/Snapchat filter, so just go with it.

WHO:

Toronto FC II, 3-4-8, 13 points, 12th place, USL Eastern Conference

WHAT:

Louisville City’s 15th regular season USL match. We’re halfway home, folks [single tear emoji].

WHEN:

Tuesday, June 21, 2016, 7:00 Eastern, not 7:30. Because we respect AMERICA.

WHERE:

Home, 38.2567° N, 85.7445° W

WATCH:

The club moved the game time to 7, so you have very little excuse not to try and pull a Louisville City/USMNT double, assuming you love AMERICA, which plays the Leo Messi & his Argentine Friends, Mostly at 9 p.m. in the Copa America! semifinals. Got kids? It’s summer, so it’s not a school night. Excuse eliminated. Gotta work the next day? The game’s over by nine, so go pound some water and go to bed after AMERICA. You don’t have an excuse. UNLESS, of course, you’re caught in quicksand with nothing but your handy-dandy mobile phone to keep you company, in which case you could be forgiven for watching the live broadcast on YouTube here:

WHO, AGAIN?

We’ve played this bunch before. City have never lost to Toronto FC II: The Toronto-ing. In the four previous meetings, Louisville City have outscored the Lil’ Reds 9-2. Tworonto is on a stretch of up and down form, having drawn twice, lost twice, and won once in their last five matches. They haven’t posted a clean sheet since the second weekend of May. We don’t know whom they are bringing down to Louisville to play this game, as is custom with MLS reserve squads. We’ve previewed these guys at least twice already this year, and then beat them soundly in their own park. Regardless of the lineup, this is not a team Louisville should struggle to play against.

However, so far this season, Louisville City have played a lot better on the road than at Slugger Field. Wind, torrential downpours, heat, whatever – these guys need to show they can get it done at home, and be convincing while doing it. This game is a great way to prove that they can.

No, I’m not cocky, I’m just confident. Like Demi Lovato! Like the song, but what a dumb video.

STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY:

You know, Toronto’s not really all that bad a team from an offensive standpoint. They’ve taken 135 shots in 15 games, good for 9 shots a game. Not bad. Problem is they’ve given up 182 shots in that same span, or just over 12 per game. Bad. Louisville City, reputed offensive juggernaut, has given up just 95 shots in 14 games, so just over half the same number Torontwo has. That’s why the Kings are HAWT and Toronto’s not.

BASICALLY FEARLESS PREDICTIONS:

The Hoff gets at least one. Hopefully some squad rotation, e.g. GIVE KYLE SMITH A DAMN REST, JAMES. 3-1 Louisville City.

COME ON, CITY.