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Admit it. You want one.

by Taylor Sorrels (@taylorsorrels)

WHO: Wilmington Hammerheads FC, 18th USL season, 5 pts, 1-4-2, 10th in Eastern Conference

WHAT: A soccer game between Louisville City FC, fresh of their first ever loss, and the aforementioned Sphyrnidae Sphyrna from Wilmington. Gonna be heard for those sharks, though, given their lack of feet and inability to breathe out of the water or see anything directly in front of them.

WHEN: TODAY. 7:30 p.m. But you already knew that. You’re probably reading this somewhere on Main Street right now, getting ready for the game, drinking some kind of local beer. Good for you!

WHERE: Slugger Field, where Louisville City is still undefeated.

BROADCAST: You’ll be at Slugger Field, of course, but your cousin in Omaha probably wants to watch, so he can do that here:

WHO, AGAIN?: The Hammerheads were founded in 1996 and have spent their entire existence in the third division of the USSF “pyramid,” as it were. Don’t tell Ted Westervelt I called it a pyramid. Anyway, the Weirdo Sharks have had some historical success, winning the league three times and winning the playoffs once in their nearly 20 year history.

Unfortunately, this year isn’t one of those years. Wilmington started the season out okay,going 1-1-2 in their first four games, but their last three outings have featured one goal for the Hammerheads and seven for their opponents. Because you read this website every day, you already know their supporters are pretty upset with the way they’ve been playing lately. Their last match was, alack, a 1-0 loss to Not Fun Louis on Saturday, which led to the predicament where LCFC is below those jerks in the table for the first time ever. WILMINGTON MUST BE PUNISHED.

Wilmington is presently owned by a guy named Sam Fink, whom I’ve verified does not also play centerback for St. Louis FC. Otherwise, why would Sam Fink score a goal to beat his own team, which Sam Fink did on Saturday? Only Sam Fink knows. Only he knows.

The Hammers, as they’re apparently called, are coached by Carson Porter, who’s in his second year with the club, and is only the club’s second manager ever. My favorite player on their team is Sunny Jane because his name is Sunny Jane, and because he’s from Lesotho, the only country in the world that is surrounded on all sides by just one other country. Who decided that was a good idea? Some Masotho, I guess.

I was watching Wilmington play St. Louis last weekend and one of the St. Louis YouTube broadcasters said something about how Jane had African Cup of Nations experience, which I immediately knew was false, thanks to a week that I spent in middle school learning about Lesotho. Even as African nations go, Lesotho’s pretty bad off. They’re even worse as a soccer nation, having never qualified for the tournament since their FA has existed. So while I’m sure Sunny Jane is a great guy, he’s never played in the Cup of Nations, and neither has anyone else from Lesotho, ever. Sorry.

Enough about southern African geopolitics, though, let’s talk turkey. Or soccer. As NYCFC’s USL affiliate, about seven Man City B players have graced Wilmington’s roster so far this season. All told, 23 players have seen time for the Hammerheads in just seven games. Those getting the bulk of the minutes, though, are the aforementioned Sunny Jane, who leads the team in shots despite not having scored yet, Nick Zimmerman with 3 goals, Justin Moose, and Paul Zimmerman. Other familiar names on the roster are Corben Bone, formerly of Philadelphia Union, and yeah that’s probably it. Wilmington also just signed a couple guys from Cameroon at the end of April, so who knows who we’ll really see tonight. I sure don’t!

WHAT DO WE WANT TO SEE: Goals for us, no goals for them, duh. You know, Elsie’s had a ton of corners this seaso (47. Forty. Seven.), and we have yet to cash in on one of them. I’m one of those who’d rather see goals scored from a buildup or the run of play just like any Catalonian, but a nice header off a corner would do wonders for this bunch. I’d also like to see James O’Connor make a spot appearance at defensive mid, given our lack of depth there, but that’s just me.

FORECAST: It’s supposed to be awesome. Serious this time.


Sphyrnidae Sphyrna Dammit Milby we don’t need a nickname
Goals For 7 7
Goals Against 13 4
Shots Salt water? Bourbon
Total Shots Ratio 0.46 0.53
Points per Game 0.71 1.50
Save % 47.7 ouch 85.7
ExpG You have no idea how time consuming this is seriously


PRE-GAME TWEET GAME: Wilmington’s Port City Firm has been pretty quiet, other than expressing their genuine and legitimate concern over the way the team’s played lately.

Know who hasn’t been quiet, though? Jordan Cooper, or @blenderhd:

SO SHOULD WE BE SCARED OF THOSE WEIRD SHARKS?: Okay, so actual sharks aren’t coming to play soccer. They’re people, the MOST DANGEROUS GAME. So don’t be scared of sharks, and since we’re Louisville City, we shouldn’t be scared of other soccer teams either. Unless they’re from Russia, then we might want to take some precautions. GO CITY.


1 Response

  1. Matt T

    This is awesome! Well done thanks for all the hard work. I am still laughing about this dog!