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March to the Match: Hammerheads

WHO: Wilmington Hammerheads, 2-10-6, 12 points, 12th in Eastern Conference

WHAT: Louisville City’s first trip to Wilmington, NC and three more points on the road at stake.

WHEN: Saturday, July 25, 2015, 7:00 P.M.

WHERE: Legion Field, 2149 Carolina Beach Road, Wilmington, NC 28401. Huh. I assumed it would be played in space.

Yelp! says they sell Chick-fil-A there (Legion Field, not space. YET.), so it’s probably pretty chill as long as it’s not a Sunday.

WATCH: With the Coopers at Against the Grain at Slugger Field! It’ll be a great time! All your friends are going! Even the imaginary ones! But in case your megalomaniac boss has you working this weekend, you can watch it on the interwebs right here later on YouTube, right after Wilmington’s FO cleans up the field .

WHO, AGAIN? When we last saw Wilmington, they were running home with their caudal fins tucked between their legs following a 3-0 Team Purple beatdown. Since that time, Wilmington has won once. ONCE! Hardly enough chuzpah to be named to the Order of the Golden Chainsaw, IMO. The Hammerheads have scored eleven goals in their 18 game season while giving up 24. The last time they scored a goal at home was on June 6 against Charleston. Their leading scorer, Nick Zimmerman, has 3 goals in 14 starts. I’ll be honest, the only thing that remotely interests me about Wilmington this season is that Tommy McNamara, American Hero, has played 59 minutes for them.

Since Wilmington is kind of sad, here’s Biz Markie selling shark pizza:

STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY:

Purple Ian Zierings Sharknadoes
Goals For 32 11
Goals Against 15 24
Shots Bourbon Tang
Shot Pct. 13.7% 7.9%
TSR 0.600 0.440
Eponymous Movies Starring Tara Reid 0 3

PRE-GAME TWEET GAME: Hammerheads fans are kind of a big deal. They probably all smell like rich mahogany and leather-bound books. Nice skull mask!

These guys talk a lot of shit for being fans of the bar-none worst team in the USL. I suppose when Mark Cuban is blowing you up in hallways with grenades, you need to find a way to make yourself feel important.

SO ARE WE GONNA WIN? Um yes. Really hoping for an Adam West cameo/goal, too, so I can have more excuses to use this gif:

COME ON CITY!