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March To The Match: FC Montreal

WHO: FC Montreal (1W-7L-1D, last in the East)

WHAT: A USL game in Canada during the Women’s World Cup, which is also in Canada. Though if you look at the empty stadiums for games not involving Canada or #USWNT, you’ll wonder if Canada knows there’s a World Cup going on in the first place.

WHEN: Wednesday, June 10, 2015, 6:30 p.m. for some reason

WHERE: Stade Saputo, Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I had to look it up to see if they actually played in their parent club’s stadium or not, because I’m pretty sure TFC II is relegated to a glorified practice field somewhere in Toronto. Turns out they do. Good for them, except for the echo-y part due to no one going to their games.

WATCH: Hyah:

WHO, AGAIN? FC Montreal is Montreal Impact FC’s USL team, in case the name confused you. Interesting fact about FCM: all but one of their players are Canadian. Neat! I don’t know much else about them, except just reading their names makes it pretty easy to figure out which ones probably speak French and which ones likely get a lot of side-eye from people in berets on their off days knocking around Quebec. Canada’s a weird country in that part of it, Quebec, doesn’t have a whole lot of interest in having anything to do with the rest of the country. Kind of like Texas, I guess.

Anyway, back to the soccer. It’s hard to tell if FC Montreal is trying to win games, develop players, or neither. I’d be lying to you if I said I’d watched them play at all yet this year, but the stats help figure out what kind of team they are: The Impact Jr. is perpetually out-shot (fewest shots in the league), they give up about a whole goal more per game than they score, they commit more fouls per game than anyone else in the league, and lead the league in red cards.

You know how Louisville City has 14 more corners on the season than any other team in the USL with 83 on the season? Montreal has 27. One thing they are good at is staying onside, but since they average less than eight shots per game, it doesn’t seem like they have a whole lot of opportunities to even be offside in the first place.

What I’m trying to say is FC Montreal is garbage. #SorryNotSorry

STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY: I was mean enough in the last bullet point. Let’s not make it worse.

PRE-GAME TWEET GAME: FC Montreal is the least attended team in the league with at least four home games, so suffice it to say there’s not been a lot of HOTT TWITTER BANTZ leading up to this match. I’m trying to convince myself is not a foregone conclusion out of superstition.