WHO:

St. Louis FC, 0-0-0, 0 points, which they’re used to.

WHAT:

OPENING. DAY. THAT’S WHAT.

WHEN:

Saturday, March 25, in the Year of our Lord 2017, 2:00 post meridian Eastern Daylight Time

WHERE:

Louisville Slugger Field. I’m guessing you know where that is by now.

WATCH:

At Slugger Field! With us! Or someone else you know! Or by yourself, if you’re agoraphobic or introverted! It’s the only place to be! But if you can’t make it to the game because your boss has you working overtime to get or not get some healthcare legislation passed, you can still:

Watch on TV on WDRB 41!

Listen on the radio on 840 WHAS!

Watch on YouTube by following this here link!

WHO, AGAIN?

Sad Louis FC, USL’s favorite nomads. They couldn’t hack it in the East in their inaugural season, missing the playoffs. Then they moved to the West for 2016, and couldn’t hack it there either so they fired hometown herolegend and manager Dale Schilly but still missed the playoffs. So now they’re back, they fired all but two of their players, and hired Predrag Radosavljević. Yes, Preki, who has a track record of success, but also of being a show topic for Unsolved Mysteries (#wheresPreki) and a bargaining chip for Leicester City before they hired Claudio Ranieri and made history.

Carmen Sandiego, I mean Preki, is a good manager and has stocked this St. Louis roster with some good players. Watch out for Konrad Plewa, Sebastian Dalgaard, and Ivan Mirkovic, just to name a few. That said, none of these guys have much experience playing together as a team, and their preseason performances don’t leave me shaking in my boots just yet.

FEARLESS PREDICTIONS:

I’m sticking with my 2-1 win for Team Purple from Barrel Proof earlier this week. I am interested to see whether Tarek Morad and Sean Totsch can manage St. Louis’s forwards, who are a quick and shifty bunch. I’m interested to see how well City keeps possession of the ball, since that’s something Preki will probably try to do, as well. Finally, I’m really interested to see if we can score some damn goals. It’s a lot to consider! But I feel good about making sure STL continues their losing streak at Slugger in embarrassing fashion.

COME ON, CITY!