News From The Purple Front

Louisville City FC Updates, Opinions & Trash Talk
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Last Week This Morning: November 2

That, friends, is a terrible picture of Matt Fondy. We’re very sorry. He’s much better looking than that. Our stock photo cache will be updated…soon?

Last week, Louisville City players took half the USL end-of-season trophy case. Bryan Burke picked up Defender of the Year, and Matt Fondy was named League MVP. This, of course, is awesome news, and a high bar for the Royals to try and meet next year. Rochester’s Bob Lilley won Coach of the Year (BOOOOOObuthedeservedit) and Portland’s Kharlton Belmar won Rookie of the Year.

In other league news, the Philadelphia Union shocked and surprised everyone absolutely no-one by naming their 2016 USL team Bethlehem Steel FC. For all their first team’s awfulness, Philly at least is trying to help themselves by working on developing their own talent via the USL and their own “soccer high school.” Mr. Belding probably agrees.

Now that the regular season is over, the playoffs are over, and awards season is over, we turn to silly season/the hot stove league. USL news is actually pretty hard to come by, as you might guess, but far be it for us to not engage in RAMPANT SPECULATION AND UNINFORMED PREDICTIONS AT ALL TIMES. HERE WE GO:

FC Cincinnati, ever the tone-deaf eager beavers, have made a bid for the services of Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Zlatan briefly entertained the thought before founding his own USL club in San Diego featuring players only named Zlatan. The Winn Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas has made FC Zlatan the odds-on favorite to win the Western Conference in 2016.

St. Louis FC, with a year of data and earnings under its belt, is making inroads toward bringing back Mike Magee full time. This move, if completed, will propel the Chupas to win their first five games, making their fans even more exuberant and annoying than they already are. STLFC will then lose the remaining games on its schedule and World Wide Technologies Soccer Park will turn into a lake of plasticene fire.

It has been revealed that Mike Callahan of the Richmond Kickers was actually party to a memorandum of understanding with Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Alabama during the 2015 season. Callahan was to destroy as many players’ legs and knees as possible, and then whisper “Sorry bro, you should go see Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Alabama about that” to the player before the training staff could come to help. Unfortunately, Dr. Andrews didn’t realize that Callahan plays professional soccer in the United States, not the United Kingdom, so none of the Kickers midfielder’s victims could afford to visit Andrews’ clinic in Birmingham. Andrews has declined to grant Callahan an extension of his contract for 2016.

The Harrisburg City Islanders and Wilmington Hammerheads plan to announce the merger of their two clubs in the coming season, after HCI learned that the City Island goat-farm collective would no longer permit them to use their field for USL games. It is as yet unclear what the Hammerheads have to gain from this merger, but a club spokesman said “Hey, our uniforms are kind of similar, so it might save us some money on laundry.”

The Austin Aztex, who have already announced that they would not field a team in the league for 2016, have contracted with a local marketing firm to make sure their fans don’t forget about them before the 2017 season begins. Details about the agreement are scarce, but some proposed slogans include “Keep Austin Weird, and Hey, Don’t Forget about the Aztex!,” “Aztex Soccer: Probably Better than Texas Football!” and “Hey Friend, Soccer Will Be Back in Two Years, So Please Come Back When it Gets Here!”