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A Phone Call to the FC Cincinnati Ticket Office

Potential FC Cincinnati fan: Hey, I read that there’s a pro soccer team in town! Looks like they’ll be playing on UC’s campus! It’s reportedly “not that scary anymore!” I am so demoralized by the Bengals and the Reds, I suppose I’ll give this soccer thing a try! Lemme see about getting season tickets… [dials cell phone presented by Cincinnati Bell Wireless]

[phone ringing]

FC Cincinnati Recording: Hello, you have reached the offices of FC Cincinnati, presented by Toyota! We are excited for our upcoming inaugural season, sponsored by United Dairy Farmers! If you are calling about our UC Health Season Ticket packages, please press or say “1.” If you are calling about a marketing opportunity brought to you by Cintas, please press or say “2.” If you are calling about our online store, brought to you by Legion Logistics, please press or say “3.” If you are calling about public relations or media matters from our partners at Kroger, please press or say “4.” If you would like to speak to the general manager Jeff Berding, he is currently on the phone, constantly hitting speed dial to Don Garber during business and non-business hours, but you can leave a message on his voicemail, sponsored by the attorneys at Vorys, Sater, Seymour and Pease, by pressing or saying “5.”

Potential FC Cincinnati Fan: Wow, lot of options here. But I want the UC Health Season Ticket package, so…[loudly] ONE.

FCC Recording: You have pressed “1” for UC Health Season Tickets! If you are a University of Cincinnati student, you may purchase your tickets in the alley behind the Frisch’s Big Boy in Cheviot between the hours of 4:45 and 4:50 p.m. every third Friday of the month until March, 2016. If you wish to purchase a family ticket package brought to you by US Bank, please press or say “1.” If you wish to purchase a Donatos Pizza corporate membership to FC Cincinnati, press or say “2.” If you wish to purchase tickets for a group outing sponsored by Pepsi, press or say “3.” If you wish to purchase a single season ticket package, we suggest you either go jump off the Brent Spence bridge or reconsider whether you would rather purchase a family ticket package sponsored by US Bank. A real fan would choose the latter. We’ve got a 40,000 seat stadium to fill.

Potential FCC Fan: What?

FCC Recording: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. If you would like to buy ten UC Health season tickets presented by Western & Southern Financial Group, press “1.” If you would like to buy twenty UC Health season tickets sponsored by BB&T Bank, press “2.” If you would like to purchase the naming rights to a section of Nippert Stadium seats, you may reach Jeff Berding on his second cell phone at 513-555-5551. He will return your call if he is not using his second cell phone to send “PLZ GIV ME FRANCHISE” to Don Garber via text message, sponsored by Taste of Belgium, whatever that is.

Potential FCC Fan: I’m just a guy trying to avoid watching the Bengals or Reds! Can’t I just get a ticket?

FCC Recording: If you are Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown or Cincinnati Reds owner Bob Castellini and wish to inquire about investment opportunities with FC Cincinnati, please contact Carl Lindner, III. You already have his number.

Potential FCC Fan: [presses zero for operator]

FCC Operator: Hello, thanks for calling FC Cincinnati sponsored by Toyota, how can I help you?

Potential FCC Fan: Hi, I’m calling about season tickets?

FCC Operator: How many would you like to buy? They come in packages of ten or twenty.

Fan: I just want one.

FCC Operator: I’m sorry, I’m having trouble hearing you, did you say one hundred?

Fan: NO, just one!

FCC Operator: I think your connection must be bad, oh wait, I’m going through a tunnel, I’ll have to call you back! [hangs up]

Fan: Ugh. Reds at Great American Insurance Ballpark again, I guess.